Losing a Loved One <3
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Today marks 3 months since Grandma passed away <3
Losing her has been the most difficult thing I’ve ever experienced. I have never had anyone “close” to me pass away until January 9th, 2019. People tell you to “hold your loved ones close” and “spend as much time with them as possible.”
But the things they don’t say?
What happens when they are gone.
No one tells you what it feels like when you lose someone you love.
No one warns you about “the call” you’ll get — especially when death comes unexpectedly. And then what to do when you hang up from that call and your mind is spinning in disbelief.
No one prepares you for picking out a casket, let alone seeing your loved one laying in that casket.
No one tells you how to respond when your Grandpa, a man you’ve never seen cry before, gets washed away by his tears.
No one tells you how fast word spreads. But how loving and giving people are — The number of meals that show up. The amount of messages you receive. The cards of condolences.
No one warns you that you won’t want to be “around people” for a good while. It’s nothing against them, but it’s more so you don’t really want to talk.
No one warns you of the things you’ll have to do after the death… (Order death certificates, cancel the now unused cell phone line, remove names from accounts, call companies to stop auto-orders, read drafted emails that were never sent, tell people out in public why <insert name> isn’t with you today….)
No one prepares you for the time you visit the last places you were with them, and the emotions that come flooding back into you.
No one prepares you for the sadness, the “what if’s”, the hopes for “one more day”, the dreams you have where they are still “right there” with you, the things you had planned to do in the upcoming year that now won’t happen, your big life moments you wish more than anything they could be at to celebrate with you, but instead they will be watching from afar.
If you have recently lost someone, I feel for you. I know how heavy your heart must feel <3
Here are some things that have helped me during this trying time:
1. Write down ALL the memories
I did this the night before Grandma’s funeral. Every memory, every moment, every story I could remember….I wrote it down. I didn’t want to forget the all the special times we had together. I didn’t want to forget the incredible woman Grandma was. (Though, how could I?! She was the BEST Wife. The BEST Mom. The BEST Grandma we could have all ever asked for and more).
2. Share your stories of them <3 Let their legacy live on!
My Grandpa is quite the story-teller. I can’t believe the things he can remember from so long ago. After Grandma’s passing, we spent the entire week at Grandpa’s house, and most of it involved story telling. I feel like those memories we shared (the good, the bad, the funny, the silly, the long ago, the recent) were the glue that held us together during this tough time.
3. Look for little signs they are saying “Hello”
I’ve heard people say before, when they see certain things, it’s a sign their loved one is near. From lady bugs to dragonflies to pennies on the ground.
Grandma? Hers is snow. (At least in my eyes). The day she passed, it flurried it a little bit. And the day of her funeral, it snowed feet. Not inches, but feet. She wore a snowman sweater that she had embroidered as she lay to rest. My sister and I even built her a mini snow woman that day. Now every time it snows, I think of her. I like to think she’s tossing snow (like confetti) down from up above to say “Hello” <3
4. Know that it’s OK to be “emotional”
There will be times when you burst into tears and didn’t even feel it coming. I can vividly remember this happening three times after Grandma’s passing.
The first was minutes after I received the call from my Mom. I was almost to work, and that day I was suppose to train one of our new team members who flew in from Omaha the night before. When I pulled up to the office, I ran inside, tears streaming down my face, in such hysterics that I couldn’t get any words out. My co-workers had no idea what was going on, but pulled a chair out for me to sit in and got me a bottle of water. Finally I was able to speak. I told them I had to go home. My Grandma had died. Without hesitation, they said they would take care of everything with the training and any emails I had that needed responses to. God Bless them <3
The second was on my way into church the Sunday after she was gone. Pastor Matt asked me in the parking lot, “How are you?” (Doing his typical, Sunday thing!) My usual “I’m good! How about you?!” response turned into me bawling into his shoulder. Gosh, I felt like my life was shattered into pieces. But he comforted me and helped pick up the pieces….and that I’m forever grateful for.
The third time was when I called a company my Grandma had ordered things from online. She had set up auto-shipments for several products she needed, but since she was no longer here, we needed to cancel the orders. When I got through, I told the lady on the other line that I needed to cancel an order, and proceeded by giving her the Order #. When she asked why I would be cancelling, the floodgates opened and I could barely get out, “My Grandma passed away”. She was so kind and said she was incredibly sorry. Even though she didn’t know Grandma (or me for that matter), her kindness to a stranger on the other end of the phone made the call a bit easier.
The saying, “You never know what a person is going through. Be kind, always.” …That couldn’t be more true during a time like this. I keep that quote very close to my heart now, and think of it often when I am interacting with others. Because it’s so true, you just never know.
5. Give yourself time to grieve.
Grieving does not happen overnight. As my Grandpa said, “It gets a little easier with each passing day.” And I do think that’s true, but there’s still much sadness in me today.
I honestly don’t think it will really hit me that Grandma isn’t “here” until the holidays when we are all together as a big family and she is missing. In recent years, I’ve heard people talk about the holidays and they aren’t always a holly, jolly time for all. I didn’t really understand this until now, and I have a feeling it’s going to hit me hard this Christmas. Living “away” from “home” means the holidays are the times when I would see my loved ones, like Grandma, the most.
I think the grieving process will be ongoing. There are things I have done, and plan to do, to help me cope with Grams being gone. One thing I did in January / February was create several pages in my “Vision Book” about her. The two of us had also started a T-Shirt quilt, and I have every intention to finish that this summer <3 I also want to finally publish my book, “365” and dedicate it to her. She had always been one of my biggest supporters of my passion projects, and I wouldn’t have finished it without her and Grandpa’s encouraging comments along the way.
I guess grieving, for me, is keeping her alive, even with her being gone <3
6. Turn to Him
I am going to be 100% transparent here. Up until last summer, I have not been to church since my parents took us when they were still together and we were kiddos. Faith has never been a big part of my life, until I decided last summer I wanted to learn more about religion and church and the Bible and God and Jesus. I stumbled upon Tribe, which is a church that launched in Plainfield last Fall. I have been going since.
Tribe has given me a place to call HOME and an opportunity to discover Him. Feeling connected to Him makes me feel connected to Grandma. I talk to God and ask Him to take care of her, my Grandpa and my Mom. I know up there, she is safe, pain-free and running around in the clouds of Heaven. It gives me more headspace, knowing that one day we will meet again.
I can’t say I would have felt this way if she would have passed away a year earlier, when I wasn’t sure what to believe. It’s so nice to be able to pray and talk to Him, even though sometimes I wonder if I’m praying the right way. (Though I don’t really think there’s a right or wrong way to pray.)
7. Keep a journal
The week after Grandma passed, I actually bought a new calendar. Though, this wasn’t used for writing what I had “to do” that week. Instead, I turned the calendar into a journal — full of prayers, memories and days documented.
Sometimes you just need to grab a pen and start writing. Empty your brain. Get what’s up in your head out. That’s what this calendar was for me.
To be honest, I started very strong. Writing in it everyday for a good month or so. I don’t write in it as much as I did, because now I am sharing my writing in other areas (like this blog). But it was especially helpful at the time!
8. It’s OK to keep talking to them
I remember my Grandpa tearing up at Grandma’s funeral, saying he still talks to her when he’s in the living room watching their shows. And it hasn’t hit him that she’s not there, until he hears no response, and then remember she is gone. Gosh, this broke my heart </3 But then my Aunt told him, “Bud, that’s okay! You can still talk to her.”
And then I realized, it’s perfectly fine to keep talking to them. I write Grandma notes. In my journal. On my social media. At the end of this blog post. It’s perfectly OK to keep talking with your special someone, even if they don’t respond. They are the best listeners.
9. Don’t let them be forgotten <3
To this day, there’s not a day goes by that I don’t think of Grandma. But I also want to keep her memories of her alive forever.
Order a Memory Bear
One week after Grandma’s passing, I heard on the radio the DJs talking about people using clothing loved ones who had passed to create memory bears. I KNEW right then and there I wanted to do that with a couple of Grandma’s pieces. Especially because bears were always her FAVORITE.
When we were at Grandpa’s house, he had actually started to go through some of her clothes to see if us girls (Mom, sister and I) wanted anything. My Grandma was an expert sewer and a lot of her clothes have very special meaning because they were made by her. So we had piles and piles of her wardrobe, now in our closets.
I thought…that’s it! I’ll use a sweatshirt she embroidered for a bear for Mom. And I’ll use the shirt she wore to my Grandparent’s 50th wedding anniversary for a bear for my Grandpa.
Just last weekend, I placed the order and shipped the Etsy shop Grandma’s clothing. I am eager to get the bears back <3 Cindy at Sewing Done has been amazing to work with. I haven’t even seen the finished product yet, but already recommend her 10/10! She’s been so responsive and the work I’ve seen of hers is just incredible.
Make a “Loved Ones Live On” Book
A couple summers ago, I took a blank journal and created a “When You Need It” book. I stuffed it with notes people have written me, fun articles I’ve read, all the best quotes and things that make me happy + bring me joy. Whenever I am feeling a bit down, I pull out my “When You Need It” book, read it and am reminded of how loved I am.
After Grandma passed, I decided I wanted to do something similar. But this book, would be called “Loved Ones Live On”. I wanted to fill the pages with things that remind me of Grandma. Photos of her. Notes she had written me. Little things I have saved over the years. All the memories I jotted down the night before her funeral. I want a place where I can go to, when I’m missing her. I want something I can one day show my kids, to tell them just how amazing and resilient their Great Grandma was <3
Photo Credit: faith teasley
Start Your Own “Barbara Day”
Last year, I read Annie Franceschi’s book “Permission to Try” and it was amazing! One thing in her book that I just adored is what Annie calls “Barbara Day”.
You see, Annie’s Mom passed away unexpectedly when Annie was 17. In her book, she says, “Just because she isn’t here with me, why do the stories and the memories have to end? What if I started to celebrate her and make new memories?” It led her to create Barbara Day, which happens every August 17th.
”It’s a celebration of her life and an open invitation to anyone who knew her to remember her, talk about her, share stories, and do something in her honor. Hosting this has led to so many wonderful experiences and, in many ways, new memories of her for me and for the people who loved her too. Across the Barbara Days and in the years that have followed, I have been humbled by the legacy she never knew.”
Nine (9) was always a special # to Grandma.
She passed away on January 9th, my birthday is February 9th, my sister’s birthday is March 9th, she started dating my Grandpa on May 9th, their anniversary is June 9th. You get the picture! I thought it was only appropriate to write this blog post today, April 9th. To celebrate Grandma and let her legacy live on <3
If you’re watching Grams, which I’m sure you are (you’ve always been such a big part of my writing and passion projects), I just want to let you know I still think about you everyday. I love you and miss you so much. Until we meet again <3
